When I'm Floatin Through
Readin Through The Daily News
Measuring The Hurt Within The Golden Rule,
Centimetres Of Ether I'm Heatin
The Speaker
Motivational Teacher With Words That Burn People
Seeing The Headlines Lined With Discord
It's Either Genocide, All The Planet In Uproar
Never Good But Rules Of Paradise Are Never Nice
The Best Laid Plan Of Mice And Men Are Never Right
I'm Just A Vagabond With Flowers For Algernon
The Average Joe Who Knows What The Fuck Is Goin On
It's The Hope Of My Thoughts That I Travelled Upon
Fly Like An Arrow Of God Until I'm Gone
I like this song, I only heard it by coincidence. I accidentally synced my iPod with my friend's and decided to merge our songs, rather then just overwrite it. I ended up with a load of Dubstep, Chris Brown, Korean pop (deleted), and this. It's quite a meaningless song, don't get me wrong, it's nothing new, I'm not trying to give it some esoteric message or anything, but I dunno, it's catchy.
Flowers for Algernon - I read that book a few months ago, finished it on the Central Line one day during another delay coming from Mile End and had to stop myself crying (yeah, I cry from fiction, I fail). I feel like Algernon sometimes, but Algernon post-regression. Actually, no, I don't feel like a mouse. I mean the protagonist - what was his name? Google tells me he was called Charlie Gordon, and Google in infallible.
Charlie Gordon - people always focus on how he loses his intelligence; he was a genius but he becomes a retard, literally, his IQ goes from 300 to about 60. It's the archetypal, meteoric rise; he starts as nothing, he becomes a God, and he falls again. Yeah, you're probably WTFing right now, but bare with me. People always focus on his intelligence, but I always thought that was just one part of the story; it's not just his academic ability that he loses, but his emotional IQ too (is there a word for that?). He starts off really ignorant; he never knows that everyone is laughing at him, then, he gets smarts, gets more clued up, becomes more...self aware I guess. Etc etc etc... the point is, he reaches this point of acceptance and enlightenment, and his emotionally pretty good, then, he regresses... and ends up as a cretin again. How does that relate to me?
I used to hate my parents. They drove me crazy, they were so annoying in everything. My dad...everytime he used to act silly it would piss me off, everytime he would act serious it would piss me off, my mum's overbearingness, etc etc etc... I even 'ran away' when I was 15, Admittedly, this was a simply spending a night sleeping at my friends, but meh, point is I hated my parents. 16, 17, nothing changed. Then, drop, kaboom, parents split up. Everything changed, everything was different. Literally, I felt like the World dropped beneath my feet. I was in shock and the first day I cried so much my eyes swelled up. It was strange, horrible, worst time of my life. I hated my mum. And I mean hated her. I loathed her, detested her, she repulsed me, and I told her this everyday. I screamed and ranted and rebelled and went crazy, and the thing is, no one even cared. They were too wrapped up in their own lives. My dad was descending into alcoholism (this is a guy who never drank before this. Ever) , and my mum was a bitch who had dumped my dad after 20 yrs of marriage. How could she do this to him? How could she be so evil?
I told her I hated her everyday, didn't speak to her, not an amicable word passed between us, I just bottle everything up and told no one. I didn't even tell my friends; they didn't even realise my 'rents had split up for sometime after. Long story short, I ranted, rebelled, cried, swore and drank, but I got over it. A yr down the line and it was just... whatever. With my dad gone, surprisingly, we ended up getting along better. With just my mum and my sister around, it was, I don't know. It just was what it was. I was happy; stopped ranting, moaning, swearing, shouting and drinking, and I matured and grew up. Everyone does it, I did it then. I was fine, happy even. I had friends and life was sweet (within reason). Everything was calm, and there's nothing wrong with that.
However, nothing every stays the same, right? I don't know, I regressed. The moody, grumpy teenager from before is back, and it's me and its now. Suddenly, I can't stand my mum again. I pick fights with her over nothing - I can't stand her. We scream at each other everyday, I resent her and I can't stand her. I love her, but I loathe her too. And she knows it, because I've told her often. She thinks I'm a bitch, and a horrible person, remember, she said I was 'corrosive'. She said everyone who ever knew me/loved me; hated me. And she was right; she was speaking about herself. She loves me, of course, but she doesn't like me, and the feeling's mutual. It's so fantastically claustrophoic in this house, and the thing is she's not controlling at all. She just doesn't care; she knows what drugs I've done, that I stay out all night, that I drink like a fish, but she doesn't care. She couldn't care less tbh. It's not that she doesn't love, but she has her own issues; her boyfriend, her job, her other daughter, everything but me. And I guess I resent it, and I can't stand her, and looking over at her right now and I just feel annoyed at her. Just, general, annoyance. I pick fights with her, because I cba to even really talk anymore.
I miss the happiness, or at least contentment, I used to have. I think this just stems from living at home too long; I'm 19, I'm so bound here, I need to escape. I long to. Just get away and leave. Etc etc etc... Like Charlie, I was an emotional idiot, I grew up, matured a bit, but now, it's backwards. I'm like I was when I was 17 :\ ARGH, the 2 of them (my mum, her boyfriend), they're so stupid, they're so xenophobic. I just took a break from writing this to tell them to stfu (there's a programme on BBC1 about Muslims, que the 2 of them chatting about how Muslims are taking over the country, all Muslims want to kill us all, and irony of irony, my mum's boyfriend just made some disparaging comment about the Middle East. I just looked at him (if he could read my thoughts it would be:"Are you fucking stupid? I'm half Arab... stfu you idiot"). And you know what...they just called *ME* ignorant. See, this is why I can't stand them. The 2 of them are equally as stupid as each other. I need an escape.
*Digression*
Charlie Gordon - people always focus on how he loses his intelligence; he was a genius but he becomes a retard, literally, his IQ goes from 300 to about 60. It's the archetypal, meteoric rise; he starts as nothing, he becomes a God, and he falls again. Yeah, you're probably WTFing right now, but bare with me. People always focus on his intelligence, but I always thought that was just one part of the story; it's not just his academic ability that he loses, but his emotional IQ too (is there a word for that?). He starts off really ignorant; he never knows that everyone is laughing at him, then, he gets smarts, gets more clued up, becomes more...self aware I guess. Etc etc etc... the point is, he reaches this point of acceptance and enlightenment, and his emotionally pretty good, then, he regresses... and ends up as a cretin again. How does that relate to me?
I used to hate my parents. They drove me crazy, they were so annoying in everything. My dad...everytime he used to act silly it would piss me off, everytime he would act serious it would piss me off, my mum's overbearingness, etc etc etc... I even 'ran away' when I was 15, Admittedly, this was a simply spending a night sleeping at my friends, but meh, point is I hated my parents. 16, 17, nothing changed. Then, drop, kaboom, parents split up. Everything changed, everything was different. Literally, I felt like the World dropped beneath my feet. I was in shock and the first day I cried so much my eyes swelled up. It was strange, horrible, worst time of my life. I hated my mum. And I mean hated her. I loathed her, detested her, she repulsed me, and I told her this everyday. I screamed and ranted and rebelled and went crazy, and the thing is, no one even cared. They were too wrapped up in their own lives. My dad was descending into alcoholism (this is a guy who never drank before this. Ever) , and my mum was a bitch who had dumped my dad after 20 yrs of marriage. How could she do this to him? How could she be so evil?
I told her I hated her everyday, didn't speak to her, not an amicable word passed between us, I just bottle everything up and told no one. I didn't even tell my friends; they didn't even realise my 'rents had split up for sometime after. Long story short, I ranted, rebelled, cried, swore and drank, but I got over it. A yr down the line and it was just... whatever. With my dad gone, surprisingly, we ended up getting along better. With just my mum and my sister around, it was, I don't know. It just was what it was. I was happy; stopped ranting, moaning, swearing, shouting and drinking, and I matured and grew up. Everyone does it, I did it then. I was fine, happy even. I had friends and life was sweet (within reason). Everything was calm, and there's nothing wrong with that.
However, nothing every stays the same, right? I don't know, I regressed. The moody, grumpy teenager from before is back, and it's me and its now. Suddenly, I can't stand my mum again. I pick fights with her over nothing - I can't stand her. We scream at each other everyday, I resent her and I can't stand her. I love her, but I loathe her too. And she knows it, because I've told her often. She thinks I'm a bitch, and a horrible person, remember, she said I was 'corrosive'. She said everyone who ever knew me/loved me; hated me. And she was right; she was speaking about herself. She loves me, of course, but she doesn't like me, and the feeling's mutual. It's so fantastically claustrophoic in this house, and the thing is she's not controlling at all. She just doesn't care; she knows what drugs I've done, that I stay out all night, that I drink like a fish, but she doesn't care. She couldn't care less tbh. It's not that she doesn't love, but she has her own issues; her boyfriend, her job, her other daughter, everything but me. And I guess I resent it, and I can't stand her, and looking over at her right now and I just feel annoyed at her. Just, general, annoyance. I pick fights with her, because I cba to even really talk anymore.
I miss the happiness, or at least contentment, I used to have. I think this just stems from living at home too long; I'm 19, I'm so bound here, I need to escape. I long to. Just get away and leave. Etc etc etc... Like Charlie, I was an emotional idiot, I grew up, matured a bit, but now, it's backwards. I'm like I was when I was 17 :\ ARGH, the 2 of them (my mum, her boyfriend), they're so stupid, they're so xenophobic. I just took a break from writing this to tell them to stfu (there's a programme on BBC1 about Muslims, que the 2 of them chatting about how Muslims are taking over the country, all Muslims want to kill us all, and irony of irony, my mum's boyfriend just made some disparaging comment about the Middle East. I just looked at him (if he could read my thoughts it would be:"Are you fucking stupid? I'm half Arab... stfu you idiot"). And you know what...they just called *ME* ignorant. See, this is why I can't stand them. The 2 of them are equally as stupid as each other. I need an escape.
*Digression*
No comments:
Post a Comment