Food

I can't make my hair grow, but I can starve myself.  Right?  Right.  That makes no sense does it?  No, it does make sense.  I want to be skinny, not cadaverous, but small.  Smaller.  Small.

I'm sick of feeling fat.  And worse still...I'm sick of being told I'm not fat.  "You're just right...you're fine...you're not overweight".  I. Don't. Care.  So so so so so so bored of hearing it.  I want to lose weight, not a little, a lot.  Not too much, I don't want to be emaciated, but enough.  This is such a boring subject...weight.  Honestly, who really cares apart from you.  You, the person who wants to lose weight.  To you it's everything, to everyone else it's "Who cares?".

Tomorow I'm starving myself.  Not completely, obviously,  I have no desire to die, but I want to lose it now.  I've developed a hate for my appearance, not all the time, but alot of the time.  I don't have any stupid psychological issues, I know when I look good, I know when I look really good, and I know when I look awful.  For some reason I seem to look permanently bad these days, and there's nothing I can do to change it.  Maybe it's my perception...it's illogical.  I look the same now as I did before, I must do, right?  I just feel so massive, like an elephant talking to a mouse.  It's true... right now I am.  People are kind, far too kind, I appreciate honesty much more than lies.  I'm not medically 'overweight' in the strictest sense, of being OVER though.

My face has stopped working.  I used to be able to scrub up well, but now I just look like a mess.  Absolutely. No. Idea. Why.  Hateit.hateit.hateit.  I want to change everything.  I even avoid sometimes going out, because I know I'll be completely upstaged.  I can't change my average face, and I can't grow my hair (another permanent source of my contention, honestly, I could cry about it and still feel on the verge of that), but I can change my body.  I'm so bored with feeling ugly.

I know starving yourself yields limited results... blah blah starvation mode, metabolism is ruined  blah blah, but I don't care.  I want to do something.  Now.  I don't want to be slow.  I just want to go.  This morning I ate one and a half cookies, I debated eating it for about 5 mins but I was starving.  I know this is a bad idea, but I just need a change, I need to do something different, something that will make me feel better, which isn't purging because God knows that doesn't work.  I need to do something productive and proactive.  I actually really want a cookie right now, resist resist resist.  Fuck it, ate the cookie.  Lmao.  I'm amazing.  Will power is a brilliant thing.  Shame I have so little.

No, tomorow I'll do it.   Therapeutic.