Honey nurse hath returneth

I feel atomised.  I'm not sure if you can use that word like that, and I also don't care.  

• atomise - atomize: spray very finely; "atomize perfume"
• atomise - nuke: strike at with firepower or bombs; "zap the enemy"
• atomise - atomize: break up into small particles; "the fine powder had been atomized by air" 

Fuck, I can't use it.  What's the word. do you know it?  It's like being alone, completely alone, singular, one entity, teeny tiny small and just... one?

Lmao, I fail at prose, clearly.  This is a strangely cathartic exercise, I like it.  Boo; this is an exorcism of an essay, a probably jejune and excessive essay, like eating chocolate cake.  Wtf am I talking about?  I'm sorry, it makes sense in my head, everything I write, I seldom edit these posts because they make sense to me, even if to an outside they're random mumblings (and to think, I want a career as a newspaper journalist, at this rate they won't even let me write the obituaries).

I sorta feel abandoned and forgotten, y'know.  Not in the left at the fucking orphanage with a broken teddy and a note way, but in a way I've never felt and never been before.  I'm just rattling around, waiting for whatever, not sad, just not particularly happy.  Everything is so average, that's not neccessarily a bad thing, just something  I'm not used to.  To use the internet parlance; meh.  My life is meh.  I am everybody's afterthought, and not really in the front of anyone's thoughts anymore.  HAHA, maybe I'm just an attention whore?

My best friend, someone who is like a sister to me really, is across the planet.  I have no real working relationship with the 'rents, lets not forget the whole fallout which was last summer, and the few friends who have not either absconded from my life or from the country are friends, but there's a gap between us - I realised recently that there's only ever been two people I can be completely and utterly frank about absolutely anything and everything, 2 people I would still be friends with in 10 years, and I can see at my wedding, and there's only 2 people I've ever felt that with.  Unfortunately, neither of them are remotely near London anymore.  The people who are around - I dunno, not that close.  I think it's me.  And alot of times, I feel like I just cba with it.  So I've been at home so much lately, so much more than ever before.  Fuck, I used to be cool, now I'm like the person I would have laughed at 5 years ago.

^^^^That is a syntactically mashup paragraph, hope you don't care.

You know what - I need to get out of this house more.  I need to start going to Orchestra and find something.  Or a job - would be nice.

*Must stop rambling*

It's cool, this is almost adressed to someone, I can see your face as I type this, makes me smile sort of.  But I won't say who obviously.  It's ok, I know you won't read this anyway, and even if you did what difference would it make?  You wouldn't figure it was you if I told you anyway.  Your name is beautiful.

xxx

PS; sorry for the long break.  Lmao who am I apologising too, I'm the only person who reads this!