Post #101

Cause it's NYE tomoz innitttttttttttttttttt:

Homo homini lupus

Homo homini lupus; man to man is wolf

For he who saves one life saves the World entire  - Babylonian Talmud, Sanhedrin 4:8 (37a)(redemptive, no?)

"we will put the Palestinians on a diet but not starve them." - Israeli government advisor, Dov Weisglass “ 

Today I fell asleep again, woke up half way through 'March of the Penguins'.  Amazing.  That is all.  They travel hundreds, literally hundreds of miles in subantarctic temperatures to protect their little eggs, huddle together, a sort of collective, homogenous mass.  I can't believe I watched a film about Penguin mating rituals and actually loved it.  They travel so far, such an immense journey.  Everything is perfectly structured, it's atavistic and just really impressive imo.  The word 'subantarctic' derives from the word 'antarctic' , which itself derives from Greek.  The Greek word for bear is 'Arctos'; the Arctic.  Likewise then, 'Antarctica' derives from Greek; Anti-Arctos; no bears.  Random fact du jour for you.

 

Anyway, this isn't about Polar bears and penguins, our Spheniscidae friends, I was just thinking about penguins; the immense difficulties they face.  This is proper motivational stuff; triumph over adversity innit.  Whatevah blad. 

 

My mums parents lives through WW2.  Once my grandmother saw a dogfight in the air between Lufwaffe pilot and an RAF one.  Can you imagine that?  I can't.  Her only brother also died, aged 16, during the war.  A child; how could he be a soldier?  God, sending children out to fight across the World.  Madness.  :\  On the other side, my mum's dad was evacuated during the war with his sister.  He was sent to Wales with a psycho bitch of a woman who locked him and his sister in a cupboard, abused them and refused to feed them properly.  His mother; my great grandmother (a woman who got married 6 times, whose husband died at the altae and she still went on the honeymoon and liked to get drunk and dress like Winston Churchill), found this out and collected my grandad and his sister and sent them to Scotland to live with some of their relatives, where he was teased mercilessly for having a preppy English accent.

My dad’s ‘rents on the other hand had their own difficulties to live with.  My grandmother got married at 15, had her first son at 16 who was taken away (against her will) to live with her husbands family. She was sickly and young, had 3 kids and an utterly lonely life (allow the past tense, she’s still alive).  Oh and should I mention my grandparents lived through El Naqba!?  ‘The catastrophe’ if you don’t know the word’; they’re Palestinians who lived through 1948 ffs.

 

Penguins cross Antarctica, 2 of my grandparents lived through WW2 and the other 2 lived through El Naqba  El Naqba; the destruction of their homeland, the change from Transjordan to Israel, the exodus of much of their family who didn’t live in Nazareth, a change in status.  Move on a few years and we have Martial law, hell, my own father was born under Martial law.  Do you know what that is?  That’s apartheid; “Military administrative government was in effect from 1949 to 1966 over some geographical areas of Israel having large Arab populations, primarily the Negev, Galilee,and the Triangle. The residents of these areas were subject to a number of controlling measures that amounted to martial law.  Permits from the military governor had to be procurred to travel more than a given distance from a person's registered place of residence, and curfew, administrative detentions, and expulsions were common.   Although the military administration was officially for geographical areas, and not people, its restrictions were seldom enforced on the Jewish residents of these areas.”

 

Imagine; they went from the masters of their land to living as third grade citizens; from the majority to the minority, fuck hundreds of years of history, we’re in control now.  :S  Imagine.  I can’t.  And to think my grandparents lived through that; they were born before Israel even existed.  Even my dad was born a third World citizen subject to Marshall law.

 

You see my point?  Homo homini lupus; no one can be crueller to humans than we are to ourselves.  Man to man is wolf, nah, man is worse than a wolf, a wolf is not vindictive.  It is not lupine behaviour (nor any animal I don’t think) to be cruel.  Meh, I’m being digressive again.  People are so cruel to each other, and people live through such fuck difficulties.  People in Gaza are starving, ‘we will put the Palestinians on a diet’.  Nice. 

 

So my overwhelming point; I need to stop moaning.  Misery may be relative tru say, but fuck it.  It’s ridiculous.  People are starving, collectively my grandparents survived World War 2 and el naqba and my dad lived through loads of Israeli-Arab wars, I think I can find less things to moan about than my hair.  On the scale of it all; important?  No.  I should really shut up.

 

Life is for living baby, stfu and start living or start dying.  That said, I'll probably still moan and bitch on here.  OHh you love me really.  Who would want this blog to be redemptive eh?

Suicidal Suicidal - what a pretty fitty word

 Suicide; comes from the Latin 'sui' - oneself, and the Latin for kill - 'cide'.  Hence, homocide,matricide, patricide, infanticide, insecticide, infanticide, regicide and so on and so forth.  Sui - in French, the word for am is 'suis'; je suis.  'je pense donc je suis'.  How very Descartes of me.

kk

Apparently there's 2 reasons why we kill ourselves, according to French Sociologist Emile Durkheim anyway.  They seem to totally contrast but bare avec me..

1) People don't feel integrated with society.

2) People feel too integrated with society.

SO, people don't feel integrated; people are lonely, they don't think they have a place in the World, they think no one loves them, no one wants them, they don't fit in.  They're the pariah, the freak no one wants to know, the fucking loser.  Yeah that's them.

Or people feel too integrated; Kamikaze pilots, suicide bombers.. or even moreso; people maybe who take the pain of the World upon them.  The World is a cruel place, if you focus on all the destitution that surrounds us you'd feel it.  If you stop being so fucking myopic and open your eyes you'll see how shit, unfair, cruel, harsh, horrible and just generally bad this planet is.  If you do that, apparently, you'll want to top yourself.  Cause who would want to live on Planet Earth, the planet of famine, destitution, poverty and fat Americans.

Durkheim also spoke alot about what is called 'anomie', look it yourself though cause it's interesting and I'm lazy.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anomie

I smell like D&G Perfume #3; L'imperatrice.  Normally my nails are red and I don't wear perfume... could this be my, anomie?

No.  Shut up. x

I've let everything spin out of control.  I haven't studied, I haven't done the things I need to do and I haven't stopped eating.

Next week is a new decade and this all needs to stop.  

I'm so cold.  It's been so cold recently.  Freezing cold.  Snow, ice and rain, all hashed together; a conflation of cold.  A portmanteau if you like.  Fuck it's just freezing - but fitting.  It's like real life pathetic fallacy; misery of the inside reflected in surroundings.  I like it.  I think I'd be angry if it was sunny; fuck the sun right now.

I've never been a fan of Pathetique ^^, but it's my grandmothers favourite. Well - it was anyway, she played it at her funeral. I never went to see her body, remember, I was afraid. I didn't see it, I still haven't seen a dead body close. Urghhhhh, didn't I say I'd stop talking about her?

Merry Christmas?

On a change of subject, I've been listening alot to Starlight by Muse. Yes, I said it - Muse. I hate this band. Awful. Seriously, but not this song.

Listen to this line:

"My life... you electrify my life". Isn't that an amazing line? You electrify my life; it covers everything. It covers a multitude of things (lack of better word). It's not like saying I love you, or I like you, but simply you electrify my life. *You* make a difference.

I don't electrify anyones life. No one electrifies my life. How fucking sad. I wish. 2010 perhaps? My mum told me today not to be so self centred; I have nothing to be sad about, the World is my Oyster and life could be worse. I could be someone else, I could have missing limbs, terminal cancer, or like the Twilight series. That truly would be tragic.

No matter what happens now

I won't be afraid

Because I know

Today has been the most perfect day I have ever seen

That's the last stanza of the song - do you think it's redemptive?  This song is sort of like a testament I think - a video testament.  To life; l'chaim in hebrew.  Jews do not toast to health or prosperity, they toast to life; the chance to merely to live.    So persecuted that to hope for anymore would be presumptuous.  Interesting?  This is not about Jews and I am not a a Jew.  No, this is about life.

As I said, I think this song is about a testament; a videotape of life.

When Mephistopholis is just beneath

And he's reaching up to grab me This is one for the good days

And I have it all here

In red blue green

Red blue green You are my centre when I spin away

Out of control on videotape

On videotape

I think it's a celebration of life, a life recorded.  As you know, my grandmother

 died 5 days ago.  I've cried more writing that line then I've cried all week.  I just realised that there's no videotape of my gran; why not?  I don't know.  I never thought to make one. I so wish we had.  When she was around I never thought about her; I was meant to go to to her 80th party in October, but I couldn't be bothered - I stayed at home and went out with my friends.  I think she was disappointed but I wasn't bothered.  I was going to call her last week, but I didn't get around to it again.  The last time we spoke she told me off for insolence and I got really annoyed with her.  

I haven't seen her body yet.  I was okay untill my mother said that she was wearing her earrings.  My grandmother loved earrings; she has literally tens of pairs, all different shapes and colours.  She loves them.  I am so freaked right now.  Where is she?  And what is she wearing?  I keep imagining her on a slab in a mortuary.  Where do they even put dead bodies??  She was always meticulous about how she dressed, I would hate for her to not look as she would like.  She always wore her hair the same way, is it like that now?  I haven't seen her yet

.  I am afraid.  The only dead body I've seen was Lenin's, I've never seen one close.  I don't know what she'll be like.  I am afraid.  I would hate for her to look anything but her best.  Writing this has made me cry more than anything else.  She always loved perfume; she would give me the bottles because she knew I liked them.  My mum returned with half a knitted scarf, that sounds random, it's

 not.  I wear a lot of woolly scarves, last time I saw her she told me she could knit me one, I asked her for one in emerald green, she never mentioned it again, I thought she forgot.  She didn't forget, she was just waiting to finish it.  But ofcourse she didn't.  She never finished my scarf.  She bought the wool, she made 3/4 of it despite her arthritus, she made all the effort, and didn't even finish it.  I didn't even thank her for it.  All that effort for me.  I barely visited, I didn't call much.  She honestly just annoyed me.

But she was always in the background.  I always knew where she was.  She was always my snippy grandmother.  She took me to buy buttons once when I was a kid, multi coloured buttons that she sewed onto my coat, and she took me to see a peacock years ago.  We went to Disneyland when I was 13.  She used to take me to town, but I never had time for that in recent years.  My birthday was 3 weeks ago, I got a handwritten card from her.  That's the last thing I have from her now.  I just keep coming back to the same image of her on a slab.  I hate that.  I've never confronted death before, I've never thought about it.  :S  I hope she has a blanket around her... I don't want her to be cold.  Is that bizarre?  I

 hope she's well.  She's religious, I hope she finds her peace.  I hope she finds it's everything she knew it would be.  And I hope she's warm, I really do.  I hope she has a blanket.  I wish I knew where she was right now.

I know she had a happy life.  Her death was so sudden.  Out of nowhere.  She walked into hospital and didn't come out.  She walked in and died the same day.  The same day.  She walked into hospital to get her usual pain injections.  How

 can you walk into hospital and die?  She walked in.  I don't get it.  It was just so sudden.  How can you go like that?   No warning, nothing.  Last Saturday she started to watch the X Factor; she'll never see who won.  She loved Neighbours; she'll never finish the storyline.  I swear she was the only person in the country who could stand that trash.  If she could see me right now she'd be annoyed - I'm in my underwear, she would have moaned at me and told me to wear some pyjamas.  She moaned at me for years to wear socks in the house so I wouldn't get cold, drove me mad.

I really wish I hadn't missed her birthday party.  Why was  I so fucking lazy?  I'll never, ever hear her moan at me.  She will never make me another woolly pie

ce of clothing, or buy me random jewellery.  She used to buy me tonnes of jewellery.  She travelled the World and bought me a Chinese hat, a few months ago she bought me a watch I never wear.  I have so much stuff from her.  She always used to wear a golden pyramid from Egypt around her neck.  It's very small and I suspect expensive.  It's mine.  I claim it.  I'm the only person who noticed it.  She told me I could keep it when she died.

I'll see her body on Monday, I don't know what to wear.  What would she approve of?  I had better be meticulous, she always thought I was messy.  Last time I

 saw her I was texting my friend about how bored I was - ffs I couldn't wait to get back to London.  WELL bored.  God would you stop fussing, I'm fine?  Don't worry about it.  Omg it doesn't matter!  Just leave it.

Fuck.  I never appreciated her.  I'm such a bitch.  All she ever did for me, it's taken me untill now to care.  All weekend I was fine, I even resented going up to see her body on Mon because it meant I couldn't go to my friends birthday.  WTF Holly.  What a bitch am I?  It's taken me untill now to care.  I just loo

ked up; my sister's cupboard is open and in it my Eucharist dress is really visible.  She was by my side when I took my first Communion, it's a beautiful

 dress, it's like a wedding dress.  I'll show you a picture.  This is us:

There you go.

I really wish I could have made her proud of me. :\

Whatever, I promise this will be my last thread about her.

My grandmother just died.

What's wrong with me?  I'm barely even sad.  I'm not mourning at all.  I'm fine.  It's like I barely care, as though it's just another fact.

I cried more at the ending of Titanic.  What's up with that??

My grandmother just died.

I can't work out if I can't sleep or I'm avoiding sleep.