No matter what happens now

I won't be afraid

Because I know

Today has been the most perfect day I have ever seen

That's the last stanza of the song - do you think it's redemptive?  This song is sort of like a testament I think - a video testament.  To life; l'chaim in hebrew.  Jews do not toast to health or prosperity, they toast to life; the chance to merely to live.    So persecuted that to hope for anymore would be presumptuous.  Interesting?  This is not about Jews and I am not a a Jew.  No, this is about life.

As I said, I think this song is about a testament; a videotape of life.

When Mephistopholis is just beneath

And he's reaching up to grab me This is one for the good days

And I have it all here

In red blue green

Red blue green You are my centre when I spin away

Out of control on videotape

On videotape

I think it's a celebration of life, a life recorded.  As you know, my grandmother

 died 5 days ago.  I've cried more writing that line then I've cried all week.  I just realised that there's no videotape of my gran; why not?  I don't know.  I never thought to make one. I so wish we had.  When she was around I never thought about her; I was meant to go to to her 80th party in October, but I couldn't be bothered - I stayed at home and went out with my friends.  I think she was disappointed but I wasn't bothered.  I was going to call her last week, but I didn't get around to it again.  The last time we spoke she told me off for insolence and I got really annoyed with her.  

I haven't seen her body yet.  I was okay untill my mother said that she was wearing her earrings.  My grandmother loved earrings; she has literally tens of pairs, all different shapes and colours.  She loves them.  I am so freaked right now.  Where is she?  And what is she wearing?  I keep imagining her on a slab in a mortuary.  Where do they even put dead bodies??  She was always meticulous about how she dressed, I would hate for her to not look as she would like.  She always wore her hair the same way, is it like that now?  I haven't seen her yet

.  I am afraid.  The only dead body I've seen was Lenin's, I've never seen one close.  I don't know what she'll be like.  I am afraid.  I would hate for her to look anything but her best.  Writing this has made me cry more than anything else.  She always loved perfume; she would give me the bottles because she knew I liked them.  My mum returned with half a knitted scarf, that sounds random, it's

 not.  I wear a lot of woolly scarves, last time I saw her she told me she could knit me one, I asked her for one in emerald green, she never mentioned it again, I thought she forgot.  She didn't forget, she was just waiting to finish it.  But ofcourse she didn't.  She never finished my scarf.  She bought the wool, she made 3/4 of it despite her arthritus, she made all the effort, and didn't even finish it.  I didn't even thank her for it.  All that effort for me.  I barely visited, I didn't call much.  She honestly just annoyed me.

But she was always in the background.  I always knew where she was.  She was always my snippy grandmother.  She took me to buy buttons once when I was a kid, multi coloured buttons that she sewed onto my coat, and she took me to see a peacock years ago.  We went to Disneyland when I was 13.  She used to take me to town, but I never had time for that in recent years.  My birthday was 3 weeks ago, I got a handwritten card from her.  That's the last thing I have from her now.  I just keep coming back to the same image of her on a slab.  I hate that.  I've never confronted death before, I've never thought about it.  :S  I hope she has a blanket around her... I don't want her to be cold.  Is that bizarre?  I

 hope she's well.  She's religious, I hope she finds her peace.  I hope she finds it's everything she knew it would be.  And I hope she's warm, I really do.  I hope she has a blanket.  I wish I knew where she was right now.

I know she had a happy life.  Her death was so sudden.  Out of nowhere.  She walked into hospital and didn't come out.  She walked in and died the same day.  The same day.  She walked into hospital to get her usual pain injections.  How

 can you walk into hospital and die?  She walked in.  I don't get it.  It was just so sudden.  How can you go like that?   No warning, nothing.  Last Saturday she started to watch the X Factor; she'll never see who won.  She loved Neighbours; she'll never finish the storyline.  I swear she was the only person in the country who could stand that trash.  If she could see me right now she'd be annoyed - I'm in my underwear, she would have moaned at me and told me to wear some pyjamas.  She moaned at me for years to wear socks in the house so I wouldn't get cold, drove me mad.

I really wish I hadn't missed her birthday party.  Why was  I so fucking lazy?  I'll never, ever hear her moan at me.  She will never make me another woolly pie

ce of clothing, or buy me random jewellery.  She used to buy me tonnes of jewellery.  She travelled the World and bought me a Chinese hat, a few months ago she bought me a watch I never wear.  I have so much stuff from her.  She always used to wear a golden pyramid from Egypt around her neck.  It's very small and I suspect expensive.  It's mine.  I claim it.  I'm the only person who noticed it.  She told me I could keep it when she died.

I'll see her body on Monday, I don't know what to wear.  What would she approve of?  I had better be meticulous, she always thought I was messy.  Last time I

 saw her I was texting my friend about how bored I was - ffs I couldn't wait to get back to London.  WELL bored.  God would you stop fussing, I'm fine?  Don't worry about it.  Omg it doesn't matter!  Just leave it.

Fuck.  I never appreciated her.  I'm such a bitch.  All she ever did for me, it's taken me untill now to care.  All weekend I was fine, I even resented going up to see her body on Mon because it meant I couldn't go to my friends birthday.  WTF Holly.  What a bitch am I?  It's taken me untill now to care.  I just loo

ked up; my sister's cupboard is open and in it my Eucharist dress is really visible.  She was by my side when I took my first Communion, it's a beautiful

 dress, it's like a wedding dress.  I'll show you a picture.  This is us:

There you go.

I really wish I could have made her proud of me. :\

Whatever, I promise this will be my last thread about her.