That which is not happy is not unhappy by default.

"What makes you happy?"

Someone asked me this.

I had no answer.  Response: "Erm...nothing?"

Very informational.

What makes you happy?  What makes me happy?  Jesus...what doesmake me happy?  I don't have any answer to this, I don't think I've ever really, really been happy.

Do you think ecstasy can exist?  Pure, unadulterated, uninhibited, ultimate, absolute indefatigable happiness?

I've never been really happy.  Obviously, I've been happy; childhood birthdays and Christmas and so on, but there always seems to be a shadow in my life, maybe I've just never been content.  I don't know contentment.  There's always something hanging over me, whether it's my fault or not I don't know.

It probably is my fault.  I'm a negative person; I find it hard to see the better things in life.  I don't believe in true happiness, whenever something happens I think it'll be bad, I assume the worst in people and I probably get that reflected back.  I have very little hope for the future; I feel like nothing I plan will come to fruition.  Why am I so negative?

I don't know, I haven't got an awful past to reflect upon.

Lol at looking back at the past, what will I see?  When I was a kid, I was happy.  I think.  Nah, I wasn't.  I adore my dad, adore him, honestly, but you wouldn't say he wasn't the easiest person to live with.  Swings and roundabouts really, that's what it was with him.  Like a minefield, just waiting for him to explode.  Which it always did.  It was a tangible anger, I suppose.  I wouldn't even know how to describe it, and I wouldn't even want to.  Such a pointless thing to go back to.  I adored him but I hated him a little also as a kid.  And even now, and I'm 19 and seriously I've done some fucked up things, even now I'm almost on edge sometimes, waiting to see what will happen.

Combine this with a recovering anorexic mother (and I mean the anorexic type where you're in hospital refusing to eat and they give you 3 months before you die type of anorexic), who was mildly depressed, young and dissatisfied (and devastated when her closest brother died of a brain tumour when I was 3/4) and you have my childhood.  Plus, I was an only child ofcourse, happy.happy.happy days.

I dont think this has made me unhappy though.  I was never actually unhappy as a child, that which is not happy is not unhappy by default, I have good parents who I love; had all the toys in the World, ice creams, my dad took me out every sunday, to the toy museum or cinema, or park, or to get my face painted.  And in the summer holidays he used to wake me up at 6AM to watch cartoon network together.  He actually adored me, you will never see a bigger daddy's girl than me.  He bought me anything I wanted and actually, writing this is making me feel guilty, because I had forgotten about alot of this, and now I feel guilt for some of the things I've done to him or said.  This has gone rather hopelessly digressive hasn't it?

Why am I not happy?  I guess it's just so many things, I feel so frustrated at my life and how it's turning out (and I'm not even 20, this is probably a few decades premature), and so many things.  And I wish I was a different person; not literally, I like who I am, I mean just certain character traits.  But that can be changed right?  You can change who you are, can you?  Can you not?  Do you think you can change from being shy to outgoing, or naive to precocious, etc... or do you think we're stuck with the same flaws forever?  I have so many character flaws it's unreal.  I feel like such an imperfect person, I have so little to give to others.  I'm nothing in the scale of things, not especially intelligent or outgoing, or talented or exceptional...or even mundane?  I offer nothing to the World but my illucid ramblings.  Do you make the World a better place?  I don't.  This isn't even self-hate either.  I don't hate myself at all, in fact I quite like being me, I just wish I was different, and seem to lack the ability (or perhaps motivation?  Or belief?  Or discipline?) to do it.

I used to think I'd be happy if I was skinner.  Yeah, that didn't work, and now I weigh more than I did before.  I used to crazy skinny, it was hot.  I used to think that if I was more beautiful I would be happier.  I thought you could achieve happiness through beauty, hence probably where some of my vanity comes from.  When I was around 16/17 I tried to compensate by looking as perfect as I could.  Parfait hair, make-up... didn't change.

I'm 19 and I've never been loved by someone I loved (I'm not talking about love in the Agapean sense), I think I've missed out here.  I never had any real teenage romance, because the guys I liked were always unobtainable, and the only guy who loves me right now, really does, is someone who I will never feel anything for (which is horrible, and unfortunate).  It's strange to know you're the source of heartache.  To know you're the cause of someone elses unhappiness, even though it's not on purpose.  I don't mean to cause him grief, but my very existance does this sufficiently.  Ug.  It's also strange to know that someone feels the way about me, the way I feel about someone else.  A sort of yearning.  I yearn for someone, I really do.  Even though I hardly know him.  God, I hate that.  I hate yearning for someone/something that I don't think I can have.  I think that's a current source of my general unhappiness right now.

"Have you never been happy... not even in a relationship".  No.  Never.  I'm never happy, I just seem to want what I don't have.  I don't want much, and I never did.  I don't want the World, I just want to feel ecstasy.  Even on ecstasy, the drug, I've never felt that pure happiness people talk about.  Trippy and amazed and hot, yes, but happy?  I don't think so.  My best friend is following someone around with the biggest smile on her face, thinking about how absolutely perfectly loved up she is, and I've never had anything like that at all.

I wonder what it would be like to kiss someone you really, really, really liked.  Happiness just seems so elusive for so many people.  Or as I said, not happiness, which can be fleeting, but contentment.  Happy in all aspects of your life.  We're all so discontent.  Well, not all of us.  Me.  I am so discontent right now.  My happiness has always been fleeting; orchestra, with close friends, occasional moments I can cite, odds and bobs I guess.

However, things will look up.  They inevitably must, I have the ability to become a better person, a stronger more heady and in control person, and I shall.  I can change my life if I want, and I will.  There's no reason to be stuck in this rut anymore.

And failing that, fuck it... that which is not happy is not unhappy by default.

But no, I want this to end on a redemptive note.